There’s no “I” in “Pax”

Easily one of F3’s finest hours.  Thank you to all who participated.

At promptly 4:41 (we waited a minute for Goob, but he was late…something about no toilet paper), Bing, Crabcakes, Lancelot, Brutus and Ripken went postal.  Goob was right behind, having taken a load off.  Ripken was excited to Q since he might be out for a couple weeks and had no idea of the sinister plan that Bing, our supposed leader, had put into motion.

For most of the run, Ripken was leaving behind a plant-based jet stream that could be heard, seen, felt and smelt for miles. While his arteries might be more clear, his colon clearly had something dead in it. As we headed back to Nolan, Ripken pointed to all the cars in the lot.  Being the disingenuous person that he is, Bing said, “It must be a teacher conference.”

As we pulled into the lot, it became obvious the those “teachers” were poorly dressed…or they weren’t teachers at all, except for Thor.  They were F3 guys posing as teachers.  Ripken is a gumshoe at solving such slippery sleuths.  As 5:15 grew closer, the Pax continued to grow as cars rolled in.  Many of the guys were wearing pink, some even customizing their attire by writing Lori and Sarah’s names on their shirts.  Sniper showed off his craftiness by designing a whole new shirt.  The Kardashians will likely be calling him soon. I’m not sure if his views on gun control and theirs will jive very well though.

The circle was so big that you needed a telescope to see from one side to the other, but so be it, the show must go on.  There was one FNG, Brice soon to be named “Sugar,” so proper decorum was followed, the Five Core Principals reviewed and the Nantan Disclaimer served (official Manziel term).  Time to sweat, and do some jackin’.

Ripken taught a cadence exercise known at the Motivator.  We slowly got it right, but it goes a little sumpin’ like this: with everyone shouting the cadence, you start with a ten count of Side Straddle Hops, go right into ten Overhead Claps, followed by ten open-close leg jumps (think SSH without the arms), followed by ten calf raises.  As soon as that completes, staying in perfect cadence you start with nine SSH, nine Overhead Claps, etc. all the way to zero.  This gets very rapid fire as you get to low numbers, and with everyone counting…quite cool to observe.

Speaking of observing, Lancelot, our Pax photographer, publicist, skydiver, bartender and comedian documented most of this.  We wonder how he runs so many miles; could it be because he’s always taking pictures and skipping the workouts?  I digress.  After the Motivators, a typical mozy ensued including some Olympus High Skips.  The mozy unensued just as quickly as it ensued.

The Circle of Pain was circular and painful.  We did some Imperial Walkers, some LBC’s and wouldn’t you know it, Thunderstruck came on.  It must have been a coincidence.  After performing the required 37 burpees, we started the Thang.

The Thang was a stack with two man teams working together.  After each exercise, the two men became one (Big Mac tried to go junk-to-junk with no less than three teams, Goob was along for the ride).  With arms interlocked behind their backs, the men had to side shuffle to the sidewalk, then run back.

The exercises were:

1. 10 Tag-team Burpees (each Pax)
2. 20  First Responders (each Pax)
3. 25  Pattycake Merkins
4. 20  Leg Throws (each Pax)
5. 50  Hip Slappers (25 each side)
6. 25  Back 2 Back Squats
7. 20  Fingertip Merkins
8. 30  Windshield Wipers (15 each side)
9. 20  Squerkins (each Pax)

There were tons of laughs, sweat and mumble chatter.  Zeus made one arrest for lewd and lascivious behavior (not sure what Drake was trying to do that pillar). With a few minutes left, “Are you ready to rumble?” was shouted, and with that a Duckwalk Jousting match began.  Each Pax started in a duckwalk position and proceeded to try to be the last duck standing.  The rules were simple, no hands and if you stand up, fall down or otherwise stop being a duck, you’re out.  Condenser sent several ducks flying with his patented Bruce Lee Duck Kick move.  Desani’s knee looked like he wrecked his tricycle. Clutch was showing off his lack of flexibility and his standing duck approach…an automatic DQ.

We finished with Plank Plusses and more LBC’s.  Recall was begging for mercy, as was Pincher in his reduced cardio state, so Ripken let them kiss the ring and stop at 5:59.

The Name-o-rama (check it out) was one for the ages.  Trane joined Ripken in the center as the boys proceeds to say their names, ages and “Lori” or “Sarah” rather than their nicknames.  At the end, Bing clarified, “Today is not about us.”  Ripken seemed to have something in his eye at that time, they were watering pretty bad.  Trane almost fainted, it could have been the hospital food still working through his system.

Praises for Papa Smurf’s legal situation that opened and now closed old wounds.  Prayers for Bubbles’ daughter getting the IEP and help she needs.  And lots of prayers for Lori’s surgery later in the day.

Gents, as I write this, it is a day later.  Lori’s surgery went well, but with lots of nausea and severe pain.  Today she is walking (very gingerly) and eating a little. God has truly blessed us, and hopefully all the cancer is in a biohazard trash can somewhere. She and Sarah have many months of recovery ahead of them, but knowing you are a workout or text away, means so much.  Lots of love to everyone for supporting Trane and me through these trying times.  I knew F3 was more than a workout group, and you proved it.

Ripken out.